Fractured Crystalline Forms

it ached and pressed into my body, its weight tight across my chest
soaking in the shadows of my mind, the cold welcomed into my shaking arms
my eyes filled with the salt of my shortcomings, lurking in the depths of my mind, ever present
I once saw the world in vibrant neons, but now they’ve dulled to desolate hues,
tainted by the inability to overcome.
in my mind, a play takes form, the only one on repeat, even staring in my dreams-
this demon lulls me into a somber slumber.
this movie loops, a vivid imagery of everything I did and didn’t do and everything I said and didn’t say.
of every misstep, every lost opportunity, every betrayal, those committed against me, and those I’ve committed onto others.
it has mastered getting under my skin, of my making me doubt my own worth and purpose,
and it taunts me endlessly.
its torture of me is its sweetest pleasure, a vicious cycle that I am only happy to facilitate
through dangerous thoughts and a, saving, lack of desire to act.
it has been a lifetimes since I have known the sun, my gloom takes its form
in the grey clouds that follow me, blocking out the fiery star.
the presence is overwhelming now, stifling, I can see through it no longer,
I see no getting through, there is no light at the end of this tunnel.
it will take me another lifetime before I learn how to shine my light on my darkness,
a lifetime before I am able to adapt to this madness, to accept it as an embrace.
it will take another lifetime to understand that while this blackness is a part of me,
this darkness does not define me.